Some things that have been bothering me that I've saved up from the time Jana was pregnant with Kieran until today.

1 - During cold/flu season, please don't feel compelled to touch my son in the grocery store. A germ's path of least resistance is from hand contact. I know that you senior citizens adore Kieran but please stop pinching his cheeks, rubbing his hair, asking him for a high five, etc... You can wave at him, say hi or wink and he'll be just as affectionate.

1 1/2 - On the subject of strangers (or even family or friends) and touching:
If a woman is pregnant (I mean visibly enlarged with baby) DO NOT feel you have the right to touch or rub her belly, even if you ask first. How would you like me to point out that you're balding and then ask if I can rub the top of your head?

2 - When told my sons name, please, PLEASE don't bother telling me about any relatives or pets that had the same name. PLEASE!

3 - Don't ask me if I have pictures of my son, when he's not with me, unless you are prepared to look at the 30 or 40 pictures I have on my phone.

4 - When your kid and my kid are playing together at the park, be decent. Say hello back or make conversation with me when I try to talk to you. I can't believe how often other parents are at the park on their cell phones or reading a book, paying no attention to their children and then have the nerve to ignore me when I say hello or compliment their kid after I've just entertained him/her for the last 20 minutes while you talked about last nights episode of Jersey Shore with whatever other mindless waste of space was on the other end of your phone.

4 1/2 - If my son throws sand near your kid and I tell him that's unacceptable, do not reply with, "Oh, it's okay". IT'S NOT OKAY, because he's my kid, I said it's not cool. Therefore, IT"S NOT OKAY! And yes, I ask your kid to not throw sand around my kid's face when you're not there. Where are you anyway? Get off your phone and play with your kid you douche.

5 - Don't smoke in the car with your kids in it. If I drive past one more worthless parent smoking while driving with the kids in the car I'm going to turn around, tail them to their destination and beat the snot out of them. You seriously can't wait to smoke until you get home?

6 - Don't ever correct or humiliate a parent in front of their children. It makes the parent look like a chump by doing the right thing and not smacking you across the face in front of the kids.

7 - I have a potty mouth. And I understand some people are not used to having children around them. But there's NO reason to be dropping loud, casual F-bombs in a crowded restaurant whether there are children present or not. And if it happens again, instead of us up and leaving, I'm getting the hostess to kick you the hell out.

8 - I don't care what your religious affiliations are but don't ask my 2 year old if he knows who God is. What the hell is wrong with you? Mind your own business.

9 - Don't bring your kids to a bar. Even if it says it's a Bar and Grill. That just means it's a bar that also serves you a burger. When I go to a bar the last thing I want to see is your kid. Half the reason I'm at the bar is because I'm trying to get an hour away from a kid.

Begin non-toddler related gripes:

10 - If you are making a left hand turn at an intersection, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT pull all the way to the right side first. Unless you are a big rig with a 50 ft trailer behind you, there is no reason for this ridiculousness.

11 - Skinny jeans, you can't have it both ways. If you wear baggy jeans and they hang off your butt because they are loose-fitting, I understand this. BUT ... boys, if you're wearing skin-tight, girls, stretch jeans ... PULL THEM UP! You look dumb enough as it is.

11 1/2 - If you're around thirty years old, you shouldn't be wearing skinny jeans anyway. Knock it off. I can tolerate this fashion disaster from tweens, teens and early 20-somethings, they don't know any better. And I can accept (while also hating) young kids bringing back the fashions of the '80's. They weren't there, they don't know how much it sucked the first time around. They'll learn.

12 - Turn signals. Use 'em.

13 - Next person who "tailgates" me while I'm on my motorcycle, be warned. I'm going to spit on your windshield the entirety of our distance together.

14 - If I look in my rear-view mirror, and I don't see Kieran in the car seat, but instead see you texting behind me. I'm slamming on my brakes for an [imaginary] cat in the road and you're buying me a new truck. That's what you get. Thank you for texting and driving. Idiot. Again, can this not wait until you get home?

15 - Fair crowds, Farmer's Market attendees, shopping cart pushers and all other public crowd persons ... pay attention to your surroundings and get out of my way, the same way I clear a path for your stroller or wheel-chair or for you to walk on by. I am displeased to be in this cluster crowd as it is. I'm just trying to simply navigate my way through. And if you see me coming, I'm tired of repeating, "Excuse me?" a thousand times. Next time I'm just going to clip your Achilles tendon with my stroller or shopping cart and give you the same blank stare you give me and say, "Oh! I didn't see you there."

16 - 1-800-FLOWERS.COM ... YOU SUCK! If I give you $80 for a white, ceramic vase with a sympathy bouquet of all white Gladiolas and I arrive at my God-Mother/Aunt's wake to find a brown wicker basket containing unopened Lilly pods and ornamental grass you make my shit-list. Next time, regardless of time constraints, I will be making the trip to Millbrook Florists where George Poles will give me exactly what I want for a fraction of the cost. MAJOR FAIL.

16 1/2 - If you are a miserable, cold, rude ass-head, DO NOT work in customer service. Save that work for the kind, friendly people who actually want to help. Go get a job in a dark, cold warehouse or factory where everyone else is miserable too. We'll all be glad you did.

17 - Move on! If something happened 17 years ago, in high school ... it happened 17 YEARS AGO! Grow up, get over yourself.

18 - Hey guys ... put the toilet seat down when you're done. If you forget to "lift" first and accidentally pee on the seat you can clean it. If your wife or girlfriend accidentally sit on the toilet and you left the seat up, that's gonna screw up both of your weekends. I don't want to hear your childish arguments about how it's not fair or "why can't they just put it down when they go?" Grow up. It's one small thing and she'll appreciate it more than you know. Just shut up and do it.

19 - Next person I hold a door for that doesn't say thank you or at the very least nod in recognition of this tiny favor, I'm going to push you flat on your face and say, "That's for the next guy"

20 - Have some respect! I don't care of your destination or your hurry but if you see a funeral procession, (especially one on foot), stop immediately and just wait and let them pass. I'm not a big fan of the south but on the day of a funeral they shut the whole street down (or the several streets from the funeral home to the final resting place). It's only right. And every southern knows to stop in their tracks and bow their head until you all pass. If any of you are along for my final trip to my grave and some shit head drives through it or cuts someone off or honks or even doesn't stop traffic for the procession, I beg of you to throw rocks at them or at the very least give them the finger.

21 - When driving, if you spot a "merge ahead" sign, don't be one of those assholes I hate that wait until the last second to get into the merging lane and cause traffic to back up for miles. I truly appreciate the truckers who slowly roll down the center of the road blocking those idiots from doing just that and everyone still gets to their destination without road rage or stop and go traffic. Thank you trucker.

There are more of these complaints and gripes stored up in my dusty attic of a dome but I'm hungry, it's lunch time and Kieran is done entertaining himself with his Thomas the Tank Engine track. I'm glad I got that much off my chest. Thanks for reading.

Namaste.